I have never thought that I would find my soul mate & spend the rest of my life with them.
I don’t believe that there is someone out there for everyone, certainly not a “perfect match”. But… I do believe in soul mates.
For me a soul mate is someone you have spent a great deal of time with, someone who you know & who knows you intimately, someone you love deeply.
For me, in my marriage, I am loving the depth of life that I share with my husband & the longer we are together, the more we experience of each other, the more we build our relationship as soul mates.
I believe that becoming a soul mate is a journey that you take with the other person. We’re not miraculously created to be someone else’s soul mate. It’s not pot luck as to whether we find them in our lifetime or not.
We choose to be with them & we work hard at it.
It’s my birthday today which would normally be something I look forward to BUT this year I turn 30.
I have spent this last year in denial. It has surprised me how much I have dreaded today I have almost HAD to be in denial about it because the very thought of turning 30 without having achieved certain things has left me in tears.
Thinking about it last month made me want to vomit & hide in a dark corner until it went away!!
It would seem a staple life lesson to be learnt in your 20’s is that life doesn’t go as you planned it!
I hope that what I have had to share so far in this series has been helpful to someone.
It has been a good way for me to process what I have learnt.
Therapy is definitely something that I would recommend to everyone.
It has done wonders for me, my life has opened up, I feel lighter, happier & more connected to myself.
I didn’t realise until I started going to therapy how much of myself I censored for different people.
After talking to my therapist about how much I worried about people judging me & how much I judged myself I came to the conclusion that I had different ‘faces’ for different groups of people in my life.
It is interesting to look back at how this may have come about but ultimately it’s about self preservation.
I assumed what others were thinking about me & because I judged myself so harshly I only ever assumed others were doing the same.
I defined my actions by what I thought others found socially acceptable & this changed depending on who I was with.
It has been a long journey to get to where I am now & I know that it is not over but as I have come to accept more of myself I have come to care less about what other people think of me.
My whole journey over the last 2 1/2 years has been incredible. I have learnt so much about myself that I didn’t even have an inkling of.
Looking back at my first session I can remember saying “How can I not know me, I am me!”
I didn’t understand then just how much I had buried my true self under who I thought others wanted me to be.
There have been many times in the past when I have felt alone in my feelings because I did not share them with anyone.
Trying to struggle on alone can lead to depression & desperation & for some suicidal thoughts.
Thankfully I have not felt suicidal but I was feeling depressed.
During my therapy sessions I came to realise that if I felt an emotion I didn’t like I would box it up & ignore it rather than deal with why I felt that way.
This meant I was carrying around a lot of emotional baggage that I was constantly adding to & it was weighing me down.
Not knowing anyone else who had been to therapy or anyone in the profession I googled therapists in my town & came across this brilliant directory.
I looked at several profiles & made my choice mainly based on price & location.
The directory also shows an image of the therapist & I must admit to also choosing the therapist I did because they looked like they wouldn’t let me make excuses. I wanted to see results & I wanted someone who looked like they wouldn’t be too gentle with me!
For a long time before I started therapy I thought I was a horrible, evil person full of anger & hate for other people.
I put people close to me on pedestals & compared myself to them (which only ever made me feel bad).
I never saw other people’s faults only my own.